Like many of the writers who have a good memory I am not that gifted so actually I don’t remember the day when all this started may be it was in the mid of the year 2002. It was a beautiful day studded with all the beauty that nature could bestow upon it. It may be that because there were so many beautiful dreams in my eyes that made me feel that every thing was so beautiful. It was my first day at college I was going to fulfill the dreams of my parents who always wanted me to become an engineer. As I entered the huge iron gates there was a big red building in front of me I never knew that this place would turn my life upside down. I never knew that one day I would hate everything so much without a reason I know the reasons are not valid at least for the rest of world. I never knew that life would change me so much how can a person who lived life to fullest, never complaint about any thing, never felt bad about any thing would be changed into a frustrated person, a chain smoker, a person who gets angry for no reason someone who is disliked by every one and does not wants to continue with life. Believe me I am actually having tears in my eyes when I am writing these lines. How can I do this to myself? I have spoiled every thing just for……..if you think what these dots mean then let me tell you it’s something which I always wanted but never got I tried everything but I am not able to analyze what went wrong or what was my fault. It troubles me so much that I have not sleet for past many days. Perhaps now you would be thinking that this story seem more like a suicide note believe me I am not so lucky to die.
I thought the year 2002 would bring all happiness and joys into my life but the reverse happened. It seems that the best parts of hell have been dumped into my life. I called god so many times for help but I never heard a reply from him. I must have committed some of the bloodiest sins in my previous life whose debts I am paying now with full interests.
Let me tell you now how all this happened. Would you ever imagine that the reason for all this is defined by the most beautiful word in this world “LOVE”? Yes it’s my blind love for a person. Now let me tell you about that person. Her name is??????. I saw her on the first day of college. How could I ever forget that day? Boy she is really one of gods finest creations it seems that god created her on day he was participating in some creative competition in which he got the first prize. The time a saw her I immediately felt a strange sensation I cannot define how I felt but I felt blood flowing through all of my nerves. I could have immediately expressed my feelings to her but I did not because I wanted to know whether it was infatuation or love. Belive me the fire still burns and I still get the same feeling every time I see her till date.
She was the happiness of my soul my love for her was really blind. But she left me with a broken heart, a pool of tears and memories, which bite me up every single day piece by piece. I can say mathematically that my relation with her was always inversely proportional the more I loved her with each passing day the more she hated me. I don’t know why neither I want to know. I only know that an hour with her was like a second and a second without her was like a decade. The locality in which she lives is about twelve km from the place where I live and I was so mad about her that each evening I use to visit that place in the hope of just catching a glimpse of her. I use to search for special occasions so that I could call her up. I used to send so many e-cards and mails to her and guess what I got in return- 3 phone calls and 3 mails in 3 years doesn’t that 3 factor looks nice. Guess what it feels when some one whom you love so much hates because you love her. I think my fault was that I loved her a little more than I should. Well you could say that there was a little madness in my love but then there is always some reason for madness.
When we both were together with some other friends she used to avoid me as if I was not there. Some of my good friends who noticed her behavior used to ask me to stop talking to her but you can’t stop someone from taking a breath that’s how deep my love were for her. One thing that I never gave up upon was hope that some day she would come and whisper the three magic words in my ears and I cry so much holding her hand. I would have never felt so bad even if she would have considered me as a good friend. We could have been so good together but destiny always takes away what you want so much and what else I could say you can see for self and now I am left with a spoiled carrier, a broken heart, and a bunch of shattered dreams.
The worst experience of my life was on 15th July 2003.Unfortunately my birthday falls on that day. Tell me what do expect a friend to at least do for you on your birthday simple wish you happy birthday but I was not that lucky even. The whole day I was sitting near the phone to ring up oh hell what should I say. I thought I should never have never been born . If you think that was bad and heart hurting then listen what happened two days after I had just entered my house I was out for reason when I came back my sister told me that she had called up as I was not there she left a message with my sister to call her up when I was back. Believe me I never believed my sister that “she” called me I told her not to make fun of me but my sister sweared that it was true so I immediately called her up. Fortunately she picked up phone I asked her why she had called me up is there something that I can do for her. She rather replied sweetly that there was no specific reason for her call. Then she wished me happy birthday I told her how bad I felt when none of my friends called me up and she said, “I remembered your birth day but I didn’t call up you up because I was feeling strange in calling you up”.
Just tell me how you would respond in such a situation I didn’t have words to say any thing.
I can quote a hundred incidences, which made me feel so bad. I wont narrate them because I don’t want to spoil my mood so much that I would have to stop writing in between and smoke a one or two cigratees. I can draw the picture of my love from two sides from her sides it’s the picture of a thousand sunset’s and from my side it’s the freedom of a thousand doves. Whenever I would say something to her she would never say a word but would smile instead after that I was not in the position of saying anything. I never knew what lies behind that beautiful smile.
I know that the fault is not all her’s there are some very valid reason’s for
Her I cannot say refusal but some way’s of refusal’s I cannot disclose them may be because I do not know much about them or may that I am escapist and never tried to find them out but one thing is for sure that if they are true that girl is having a very strong character and practical abilities that people like me do not have you really need to have them to survive. As far as I have judged her I know that she is controlled by the mind and not by the her heart that doesn’t means that she is emotionless you must be by now thinking as to why I am contradicting my views about her but you see everything has good and bad qualities so does she however it may be so that the good qualities of something can harm something or someone. My condition with her has always been like a person who his starving to death and plate full of delights is placed in front of him but he cannot eat it because the food is not for him. I can see love in her eyes but it’s not for me I know. But I know that I can wait for her my entire life if she tells me to do so without asking her the reason as to why she made me wait for so long.
Forget it all one cannot find reasons for every thing that goes wrong there are certain things that happen without a reason. but you have to bear there consequences if they go wrong no matter how hard you try or whatever you may do you cannot make them go your way. But after all of my experience I can say only one thing about love “LOVE IS EVERY THING IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE. IT REALLY IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR, BEING BRAVE FOR, RISKING EVERYTHING FOR”. What else can I say I always thought that I will know that I truly love someone the day I wont be able to put into words the way they make me feel and I felt exactly the same with her. For two whole years as I was going to college I use to wait for her in the morning I never actually used to follow her what I did was that I use to rapidly overtake her vehicle. Sounds strange and insane to me also but I repeated the story again while returning from college. Believe me I have not left a temple or shrine in my city unvisited and I don’t need to explain what I asked god for. But for me she has always been an unanswered prayer and will always be so.
The day I am not able to see her passes as a curse. O god I have waited for her silently for so many days I can say, “That the worst part of life is waiting and the best part of life is finding someone worth waiting for”. But I know that “He who for love has undergone the worst that can befall is a thousands time happy than someone who never loved at all”. She always used to say that if you are in love then your eyes can speak for you then I guess that she has never looked up into my eyes. But in her eyes I see my future and here it goes I think I have found my best friend. I think I have dreamed her into my life. But what happens when dreams are shattered is self-explanatory.
I know that people who know me will always say that I myself am the cause of my current state but believe me no one wants to be in such a state believe me I have left no stone unturned to forget her but I am not getting success. I think something should be left just for time to get them done. Now it’s just two hearts living in two different worlds. Every moment without her I cannot explain how I survive I hear her voice in the silence of the night if there was a machine which could show what was going inside a persons mind then I would show you what actually I feel. When I am with her there is no rhyme or reason but just a sense of completion which I never get anywhere not even with god.
I can swear that I have never had a laugh from the heart without her. I want to tell you about a incidence that happened on the day of the fresher party of my college I will forget every thing but I will never forget that night I was so upset about something (I cannot write about that incidence I don’t want to spoil my mood) that happened with me that night just for a photograph that I was heavily drunk that night and I nearly missed a accident that could have send me into the stars. God if I would have died that night it would have been better.
How would you feel if you would have to suffer because you have to? You can’t argue with your points you just have to follow the decisions that are imposed by the destiny on you? I am feeling like standing in court with heavy charges imposed on me and I am not given a chance to keep my point that I have not done any thing wrong. I only wish that if only somehow everything would go in the same way it was going three years back I would be greatly thank full to god.
My friends say that I should forget her but just tell me one thing how can one say good bye to some one he has begun to love and care, without the inflict pain. How can one stop the memories? How can one stop him from seeing sunshine again? Yes, there is no doubt about it that-parting gives us pain especially if it’s forever. I do not know how I am going to do it but the truth is that I have to. This thought sends shiver through my body. I just sometimes feel that this world is not good enough to live in so much sufferings and pain just for nothing. I would have been a very nice person if I were with her. Every time I see her I just think of the day when the college would be over I would not be able to see her any more I know she would not keep in touch with me any more because I am not a very good friend of her. Time will heel up every thing I know but
Sometimes it just feels bad. I am so mad about her that some people have cashed my sentiments very much. Sometimes when I am alone in the night it seems even the silence is speaking her name. I sometimes really cry when I am alone actually not like the girls men don’t cry that way but a more in a more silent way. Only one or two tears roll out of my eyes but they are really full of pain. Sometimes I think as to why I share my feelings with any one. I should not even write these pages because no one agrees with my point any way. One day even she asked me “What have you lost”. If I have not lost anything then please somebody tell me what else is left with me.
I want to mention something else here something about some really nice people who always help me unconditionally. Actually there are a lot of them but five of them are really special. I would always remember them as a very special part of my life.
Here I would also like to mention about a guy whom I considered as a very good friend but I don’t know what wrong I did to him but…people always told me that he was not the one you can trust but I never believed them. I have decided that I won’t say a word to him but someday I will surely ask him the reasons. Actually I have no right to interfere in any ones personal life but it still hurts more than any thing when your dear ones breach your trust. Actually he was the first one who knew all about me and still. Even she is better than him at least she says everything on the face. Leave it god watches every thing.
And guess what happened one day as I entered the college she was sitting with a few friends I forget to mention it but the day my exams finished I was all prepared to talk to her about everything I was feeling that it was already too late for me to express my feelings but as the exam got over she just left the campus I felt so bad that there a tears rolled out of my eyes but today I was in no mood of expressing anything but a strange thing happened I actually talked to her. I told her that I have loved her from the very first day I saw her and she listened patiently actually all of my body was shaking and words wont come out of my mouth but she was so nice and patient she has her reasons for refusal but leave them who cares. The good thing is that she will always be a good friend I never knew that she was such a nice person she will truly adore the life of person she will marry.
Every thing got a bit normal after that day may be the way of looking things changed for both of us. Sometimes you feel content with the thought that at least you tried. Every thing got normal but happiness doesn’t last for long not for me at least for me, actually there are few people who always create a problem misleading her and filling up her mind with things that are against me, the problem is that these people are so well versed in fooling others or may I was never able to build up any trust in her mind.
I’ll take a short cut from here and take you the last day of my college, just to interrupt you that things have gone a real weird for the past three or four months and before that I want to tell you that there was a incident few months back when once I saw respect for me in her eyes I still wish that if only I would have died the very next day man I would have been the most satisfied man on this planet. But as you there is always a deep silence before and after a storm one and there the storm came and took with itself what so ever I had.
I wont say that I gave up on anything fate, love, god but I am getting tired. Lets come to the point “the last of college” ok then to tell you that it was our last day at college after four years of struggle we were finally to arrive at our ultimate goal(not for me) well we had or final year project presentation on that day. She was in my group and as the leader I fulfilled all the duties that I could. Morning 9:30 am sharp I reached college other members had actually arrived a bit. I was all dressed up like a gentlemen actually the tie was a bit short (she pointed it out) I was feeling a bit sleepy as the night before that day all the group members were at a friends place and it was raining heavily I was really soaked up that evening and when I reached home it was already 12:30 but I still had to give some final touches to the project actually the whole night I was thinking that how am I going to survive without her so just stayed awake till the morning. The next morning the funeral of all my dreams were to begin we had a perfect viva after that we walked out of the room and shook hands as if we had climbed Everest. No one knows but I was feeling as if I was on a plane preparing for a crash landing.
After that there were some partings rituals as usual people were using their costly phone to take pictures with their friends. Actually I never need her picture but (just need to close my eyes) I don’t know why I asked her she agreed but she was trying to stand as far away as she can (god u know why she did that I was never going to give her a hug) so the photos were clicked then came my luck to play its usual part the guy who clicked the photos never saved them (dammmmmm) so I asked her that can we take another photo but she refused as she usually does to all my wishes. Man it was the last day for us. I felt so bad I left the place immediately I came to know that after that they had a really nice party (ok well I was off I am always the trouble maker). Then many of my friends called me but I didn’t picked up the phone actually they were not calling to give some healing effect but it was me who had invested all the money in the project file and they were trying to pay me for that. But she never called up but I received her sms that day it was very straight forward just as herself I do remember its actual lines it read “Siddharth (I love my name it reminds me of her) please give me the project cd and you didn’t even told us that I much each of us has to pay for that”. I could deny god but I can never deny her so I replied “You will get the project cd by 5 this evening” .Then I went to a friends house(should I say friend any ways she never talks to me also) and gave her the cd and told her that she could pick up the cd from her house. Even after that I came across some nice words in the morning that I was not willing to give the cd’s I never felt bad who cries after spilt milk when u have already being robbed of a treasure.
Then as usual things were worst than ever I never had a verbal talk to her till date from then. Then after few days I was about to leave for Delhi. I was sad on leaving my home but more sorrows again should I write it each time. The train, which I was supposed to board, was a bit late I was continuously typing some thing on my cell phone I sent her a message saying that there cant be a more worse punishment for me for I was leaving the city without talking to her. Immediately came a sweet reply before telling you the reply I can tell you that some times she is as kind as my mother she wrote “ok you did say many things about me but I have nothing against you just feel happy to go”. Man I really cried all night after that.
Few days just passed in Delhi just thinking about her but I used to keep her well-beings from delhi some close friends helped me in that.
Then one day I was at my relatives place I was thinking about her and (actually I think of her most of the time) I wrote her a e-mail it was like this “Hi ash(name changed) how r you hope fine you always said in the college days that why should I reply to your mails when we meet in the college daily but since we are not meeting any more can you please reply”. Believe me the reply did came and was sweet then after that two more mails in which I poured my heart. After that I became so depressed that I closed my mail id.
No conversation then came between her and me for days. Then one day I got my self a new cell number as usual I sent her the first message from my cell message was to long it read “hi” and then I sent her a few good message on hope and friendship but one day the reply came as “I know very well who you are and you know that I wont talk to you ever in my life so if you have a bit of self respect don’t ever talk to me.” Now what I said to myself.
After that maybe she believed that I was dead not a single response to the 207 messages & 113 calls.
Don’t get bored there’s still more to go by the time it was already July if you remember that 15th July is the always the worst day of my year this it really didn’t felt bad I was just thinking that may be she remembers day or not I guess she doesn’t. Every thing was present on that day except wishes from any one and those usual birthday calls. Actually my birthday always reminds me of my worth i.e. nothing. Amazingly one of my friends called up she talked about some business of her own and then I hung up the phone no wishes leave it when the sun fails to give you light what can you expect from the stars.
Then came 5th August its the date I cant forget even if I loose all my memories its her birthday for me this day is as pious as my god. On the night of 4th I was at my sisters place which is near the place where she stays in delhi I was returning from her place it was already late and at exactly 12:00 o clock I called her up she hung up and then I again sent her a message and and then again a call and keep on counting………Then finally in the morning I called her from a unknown number and she picked up the phone I said in a faint voice happy birthday and hung up the phone. God I really didn’t need to do this I shouldn’t have troubled her like that I fell from my own eyes that day.
The next day I met a very old pal of mine he is from benaras her native place he was with me in school for 7 years I went to his place and believe me the next few lines that you are going to read appear to be filmy but they are not my friends mother asked what did I took up in higher education I said I did my B.Tech from bbd Lko. She immediately said that she had got a marriage proposal for my friends elder brother the girl has also done her B.Tech from the same college I asked what’s her name the name she told me was the one that was always on my mind. Aunty asked me how’s that girl I said if you have a magical mirror and you say that mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all the mirror would say her name I said every thing positive.
By this time I have already began to feel as if my life was being directed by yash chopra.
By this time I think she has already began to hate me as Hitler hated Jews .Now she was already working in the same call center in which I was I never came face to face with her until recently when one day I was all lost in the office building when I saw her having her lunch she saw me but completely ignored me god I died a million deaths in that few minutes it challenged my very existence I thought ………..but I have already attempted suicide 3 times without success. I am bad but not that bad she shouldn’t have done this.
And guess she has found some very close friends of her in delhi I saw her one day with a boy as she had gone for an interview he is her first love and I am nobody he’s a smart boy from IIT (who are supposed to win the world) sometimes I think she is right in her decision every one has a choice to choose the best and who am I some one with a empty pocket unpleasant face a guy with a spoiled carrier a looser what do I have I to give to her nothing but love but you cant live with love. Leave it at least she is happy what else do I want but I do wished to talk to her just once, alone but like most of my dreams It also shares the same fate. It’s not her fault she tolerated me for years but I still get soaked with tears when I see her brown eyes in my dreams. Now I don’t even get dreams may be they are tired of being hurt so they never come to me. I don’t know what fate has in store for me but I will never marry any one I cant ruin any one’s life just for my sake cause I know I wont be able to love her the way I love her. Now just stare into the deep dark sky and look at the stars and tell them they are nothing as compared to her.
And please to all who read this story she is not the cause of my state and I hate those who call her any type of rubbish stuff.
Ash (name changed) if you ever read this I would like to tell you that after today respect you more than I love you. I do not know how I am going to survive without you but I will try my best no one can take your place in my life. I would always remember you as my first love and the most pleasant experience of my life you could have broken my heart for ever but never did it you are a true human being and one who as the ability to help other’s I will miss you all my life and believe me you will always find a place in prayers and I will pray to god that may you find the warmth of love of the person you love. There is one more request I want to make if you have a little space left In your heart just let me be there I will remain there silently for ever.
And in most likely case if she never gets to read this story please whosoever gets to read it please if you ever meet her again do tell her that I will regret all the things that I did in my life due to which I lost her she is very good ,I am bad and I will regret all my life the way I lost her silently please if you do this I’ll be more than great full to you.
Siddharth (Not yours)
I thought the year 2002 would bring all happiness and joys into my life but the reverse happened. It seems that the best parts of hell have been dumped into my life. I called god so many times for help but I never heard a reply from him. I must have committed some of the bloodiest sins in my previous life whose debts I am paying now with full interests.
Let me tell you now how all this happened. Would you ever imagine that the reason for all this is defined by the most beautiful word in this world “LOVE”? Yes it’s my blind love for a person. Now let me tell you about that person. Her name is??????. I saw her on the first day of college. How could I ever forget that day? Boy she is really one of gods finest creations it seems that god created her on day he was participating in some creative competition in which he got the first prize. The time a saw her I immediately felt a strange sensation I cannot define how I felt but I felt blood flowing through all of my nerves. I could have immediately expressed my feelings to her but I did not because I wanted to know whether it was infatuation or love. Belive me the fire still burns and I still get the same feeling every time I see her till date.
She was the happiness of my soul my love for her was really blind. But she left me with a broken heart, a pool of tears and memories, which bite me up every single day piece by piece. I can say mathematically that my relation with her was always inversely proportional the more I loved her with each passing day the more she hated me. I don’t know why neither I want to know. I only know that an hour with her was like a second and a second without her was like a decade. The locality in which she lives is about twelve km from the place where I live and I was so mad about her that each evening I use to visit that place in the hope of just catching a glimpse of her. I use to search for special occasions so that I could call her up. I used to send so many e-cards and mails to her and guess what I got in return- 3 phone calls and 3 mails in 3 years doesn’t that 3 factor looks nice. Guess what it feels when some one whom you love so much hates because you love her. I think my fault was that I loved her a little more than I should. Well you could say that there was a little madness in my love but then there is always some reason for madness.
When we both were together with some other friends she used to avoid me as if I was not there. Some of my good friends who noticed her behavior used to ask me to stop talking to her but you can’t stop someone from taking a breath that’s how deep my love were for her. One thing that I never gave up upon was hope that some day she would come and whisper the three magic words in my ears and I cry so much holding her hand. I would have never felt so bad even if she would have considered me as a good friend. We could have been so good together but destiny always takes away what you want so much and what else I could say you can see for self and now I am left with a spoiled carrier, a broken heart, and a bunch of shattered dreams.
The worst experience of my life was on 15th July 2003.Unfortunately my birthday falls on that day. Tell me what do expect a friend to at least do for you on your birthday simple wish you happy birthday but I was not that lucky even. The whole day I was sitting near the phone to ring up oh hell what should I say. I thought I should never have never been born . If you think that was bad and heart hurting then listen what happened two days after I had just entered my house I was out for reason when I came back my sister told me that she had called up as I was not there she left a message with my sister to call her up when I was back. Believe me I never believed my sister that “she” called me I told her not to make fun of me but my sister sweared that it was true so I immediately called her up. Fortunately she picked up phone I asked her why she had called me up is there something that I can do for her. She rather replied sweetly that there was no specific reason for her call. Then she wished me happy birthday I told her how bad I felt when none of my friends called me up and she said, “I remembered your birth day but I didn’t call up you up because I was feeling strange in calling you up”.
Just tell me how you would respond in such a situation I didn’t have words to say any thing.
I can quote a hundred incidences, which made me feel so bad. I wont narrate them because I don’t want to spoil my mood so much that I would have to stop writing in between and smoke a one or two cigratees. I can draw the picture of my love from two sides from her sides it’s the picture of a thousand sunset’s and from my side it’s the freedom of a thousand doves. Whenever I would say something to her she would never say a word but would smile instead after that I was not in the position of saying anything. I never knew what lies behind that beautiful smile.
I know that the fault is not all her’s there are some very valid reason’s for
Her I cannot say refusal but some way’s of refusal’s I cannot disclose them may be because I do not know much about them or may that I am escapist and never tried to find them out but one thing is for sure that if they are true that girl is having a very strong character and practical abilities that people like me do not have you really need to have them to survive. As far as I have judged her I know that she is controlled by the mind and not by the her heart that doesn’t means that she is emotionless you must be by now thinking as to why I am contradicting my views about her but you see everything has good and bad qualities so does she however it may be so that the good qualities of something can harm something or someone. My condition with her has always been like a person who his starving to death and plate full of delights is placed in front of him but he cannot eat it because the food is not for him. I can see love in her eyes but it’s not for me I know. But I know that I can wait for her my entire life if she tells me to do so without asking her the reason as to why she made me wait for so long.
Forget it all one cannot find reasons for every thing that goes wrong there are certain things that happen without a reason. but you have to bear there consequences if they go wrong no matter how hard you try or whatever you may do you cannot make them go your way. But after all of my experience I can say only one thing about love “LOVE IS EVERY THING IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE. IT REALLY IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR, BEING BRAVE FOR, RISKING EVERYTHING FOR”. What else can I say I always thought that I will know that I truly love someone the day I wont be able to put into words the way they make me feel and I felt exactly the same with her. For two whole years as I was going to college I use to wait for her in the morning I never actually used to follow her what I did was that I use to rapidly overtake her vehicle. Sounds strange and insane to me also but I repeated the story again while returning from college. Believe me I have not left a temple or shrine in my city unvisited and I don’t need to explain what I asked god for. But for me she has always been an unanswered prayer and will always be so.
The day I am not able to see her passes as a curse. O god I have waited for her silently for so many days I can say, “That the worst part of life is waiting and the best part of life is finding someone worth waiting for”. But I know that “He who for love has undergone the worst that can befall is a thousands time happy than someone who never loved at all”. She always used to say that if you are in love then your eyes can speak for you then I guess that she has never looked up into my eyes. But in her eyes I see my future and here it goes I think I have found my best friend. I think I have dreamed her into my life. But what happens when dreams are shattered is self-explanatory.
I know that people who know me will always say that I myself am the cause of my current state but believe me no one wants to be in such a state believe me I have left no stone unturned to forget her but I am not getting success. I think something should be left just for time to get them done. Now it’s just two hearts living in two different worlds. Every moment without her I cannot explain how I survive I hear her voice in the silence of the night if there was a machine which could show what was going inside a persons mind then I would show you what actually I feel. When I am with her there is no rhyme or reason but just a sense of completion which I never get anywhere not even with god.
I can swear that I have never had a laugh from the heart without her. I want to tell you about a incidence that happened on the day of the fresher party of my college I will forget every thing but I will never forget that night I was so upset about something (I cannot write about that incidence I don’t want to spoil my mood) that happened with me that night just for a photograph that I was heavily drunk that night and I nearly missed a accident that could have send me into the stars. God if I would have died that night it would have been better.
How would you feel if you would have to suffer because you have to? You can’t argue with your points you just have to follow the decisions that are imposed by the destiny on you? I am feeling like standing in court with heavy charges imposed on me and I am not given a chance to keep my point that I have not done any thing wrong. I only wish that if only somehow everything would go in the same way it was going three years back I would be greatly thank full to god.
My friends say that I should forget her but just tell me one thing how can one say good bye to some one he has begun to love and care, without the inflict pain. How can one stop the memories? How can one stop him from seeing sunshine again? Yes, there is no doubt about it that-parting gives us pain especially if it’s forever. I do not know how I am going to do it but the truth is that I have to. This thought sends shiver through my body. I just sometimes feel that this world is not good enough to live in so much sufferings and pain just for nothing. I would have been a very nice person if I were with her. Every time I see her I just think of the day when the college would be over I would not be able to see her any more I know she would not keep in touch with me any more because I am not a very good friend of her. Time will heel up every thing I know but
Sometimes it just feels bad. I am so mad about her that some people have cashed my sentiments very much. Sometimes when I am alone in the night it seems even the silence is speaking her name. I sometimes really cry when I am alone actually not like the girls men don’t cry that way but a more in a more silent way. Only one or two tears roll out of my eyes but they are really full of pain. Sometimes I think as to why I share my feelings with any one. I should not even write these pages because no one agrees with my point any way. One day even she asked me “What have you lost”. If I have not lost anything then please somebody tell me what else is left with me.
I want to mention something else here something about some really nice people who always help me unconditionally. Actually there are a lot of them but five of them are really special. I would always remember them as a very special part of my life.
Here I would also like to mention about a guy whom I considered as a very good friend but I don’t know what wrong I did to him but…people always told me that he was not the one you can trust but I never believed them. I have decided that I won’t say a word to him but someday I will surely ask him the reasons. Actually I have no right to interfere in any ones personal life but it still hurts more than any thing when your dear ones breach your trust. Actually he was the first one who knew all about me and still. Even she is better than him at least she says everything on the face. Leave it god watches every thing.
And guess what happened one day as I entered the college she was sitting with a few friends I forget to mention it but the day my exams finished I was all prepared to talk to her about everything I was feeling that it was already too late for me to express my feelings but as the exam got over she just left the campus I felt so bad that there a tears rolled out of my eyes but today I was in no mood of expressing anything but a strange thing happened I actually talked to her. I told her that I have loved her from the very first day I saw her and she listened patiently actually all of my body was shaking and words wont come out of my mouth but she was so nice and patient she has her reasons for refusal but leave them who cares. The good thing is that she will always be a good friend I never knew that she was such a nice person she will truly adore the life of person she will marry.
Every thing got a bit normal after that day may be the way of looking things changed for both of us. Sometimes you feel content with the thought that at least you tried. Every thing got normal but happiness doesn’t last for long not for me at least for me, actually there are few people who always create a problem misleading her and filling up her mind with things that are against me, the problem is that these people are so well versed in fooling others or may I was never able to build up any trust in her mind.
I’ll take a short cut from here and take you the last day of my college, just to interrupt you that things have gone a real weird for the past three or four months and before that I want to tell you that there was a incident few months back when once I saw respect for me in her eyes I still wish that if only I would have died the very next day man I would have been the most satisfied man on this planet. But as you there is always a deep silence before and after a storm one and there the storm came and took with itself what so ever I had.
I wont say that I gave up on anything fate, love, god but I am getting tired. Lets come to the point “the last of college” ok then to tell you that it was our last day at college after four years of struggle we were finally to arrive at our ultimate goal(not for me) well we had or final year project presentation on that day. She was in my group and as the leader I fulfilled all the duties that I could. Morning 9:30 am sharp I reached college other members had actually arrived a bit. I was all dressed up like a gentlemen actually the tie was a bit short (she pointed it out) I was feeling a bit sleepy as the night before that day all the group members were at a friends place and it was raining heavily I was really soaked up that evening and when I reached home it was already 12:30 but I still had to give some final touches to the project actually the whole night I was thinking that how am I going to survive without her so just stayed awake till the morning. The next morning the funeral of all my dreams were to begin we had a perfect viva after that we walked out of the room and shook hands as if we had climbed Everest. No one knows but I was feeling as if I was on a plane preparing for a crash landing.
After that there were some partings rituals as usual people were using their costly phone to take pictures with their friends. Actually I never need her picture but (just need to close my eyes) I don’t know why I asked her she agreed but she was trying to stand as far away as she can (god u know why she did that I was never going to give her a hug) so the photos were clicked then came my luck to play its usual part the guy who clicked the photos never saved them (dammmmmm) so I asked her that can we take another photo but she refused as she usually does to all my wishes. Man it was the last day for us. I felt so bad I left the place immediately I came to know that after that they had a really nice party (ok well I was off I am always the trouble maker). Then many of my friends called me but I didn’t picked up the phone actually they were not calling to give some healing effect but it was me who had invested all the money in the project file and they were trying to pay me for that. But she never called up but I received her sms that day it was very straight forward just as herself I do remember its actual lines it read “Siddharth (I love my name it reminds me of her) please give me the project cd and you didn’t even told us that I much each of us has to pay for that”. I could deny god but I can never deny her so I replied “You will get the project cd by 5 this evening” .Then I went to a friends house(should I say friend any ways she never talks to me also) and gave her the cd and told her that she could pick up the cd from her house. Even after that I came across some nice words in the morning that I was not willing to give the cd’s I never felt bad who cries after spilt milk when u have already being robbed of a treasure.
Then as usual things were worst than ever I never had a verbal talk to her till date from then. Then after few days I was about to leave for Delhi. I was sad on leaving my home but more sorrows again should I write it each time. The train, which I was supposed to board, was a bit late I was continuously typing some thing on my cell phone I sent her a message saying that there cant be a more worse punishment for me for I was leaving the city without talking to her. Immediately came a sweet reply before telling you the reply I can tell you that some times she is as kind as my mother she wrote “ok you did say many things about me but I have nothing against you just feel happy to go”. Man I really cried all night after that.
Few days just passed in Delhi just thinking about her but I used to keep her well-beings from delhi some close friends helped me in that.
Then one day I was at my relatives place I was thinking about her and (actually I think of her most of the time) I wrote her a e-mail it was like this “Hi ash(name changed) how r you hope fine you always said in the college days that why should I reply to your mails when we meet in the college daily but since we are not meeting any more can you please reply”. Believe me the reply did came and was sweet then after that two more mails in which I poured my heart. After that I became so depressed that I closed my mail id.
No conversation then came between her and me for days. Then one day I got my self a new cell number as usual I sent her the first message from my cell message was to long it read “hi” and then I sent her a few good message on hope and friendship but one day the reply came as “I know very well who you are and you know that I wont talk to you ever in my life so if you have a bit of self respect don’t ever talk to me.” Now what I said to myself.
After that maybe she believed that I was dead not a single response to the 207 messages & 113 calls.
Don’t get bored there’s still more to go by the time it was already July if you remember that 15th July is the always the worst day of my year this it really didn’t felt bad I was just thinking that may be she remembers day or not I guess she doesn’t. Every thing was present on that day except wishes from any one and those usual birthday calls. Actually my birthday always reminds me of my worth i.e. nothing. Amazingly one of my friends called up she talked about some business of her own and then I hung up the phone no wishes leave it when the sun fails to give you light what can you expect from the stars.
Then came 5th August its the date I cant forget even if I loose all my memories its her birthday for me this day is as pious as my god. On the night of 4th I was at my sisters place which is near the place where she stays in delhi I was returning from her place it was already late and at exactly 12:00 o clock I called her up she hung up and then I again sent her a message and and then again a call and keep on counting………Then finally in the morning I called her from a unknown number and she picked up the phone I said in a faint voice happy birthday and hung up the phone. God I really didn’t need to do this I shouldn’t have troubled her like that I fell from my own eyes that day.
The next day I met a very old pal of mine he is from benaras her native place he was with me in school for 7 years I went to his place and believe me the next few lines that you are going to read appear to be filmy but they are not my friends mother asked what did I took up in higher education I said I did my B.Tech from bbd Lko. She immediately said that she had got a marriage proposal for my friends elder brother the girl has also done her B.Tech from the same college I asked what’s her name the name she told me was the one that was always on my mind. Aunty asked me how’s that girl I said if you have a magical mirror and you say that mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all the mirror would say her name I said every thing positive.
By this time I have already began to feel as if my life was being directed by yash chopra.
By this time I think she has already began to hate me as Hitler hated Jews .Now she was already working in the same call center in which I was I never came face to face with her until recently when one day I was all lost in the office building when I saw her having her lunch she saw me but completely ignored me god I died a million deaths in that few minutes it challenged my very existence I thought ………..but I have already attempted suicide 3 times without success. I am bad but not that bad she shouldn’t have done this.
And guess she has found some very close friends of her in delhi I saw her one day with a boy as she had gone for an interview he is her first love and I am nobody he’s a smart boy from IIT (who are supposed to win the world) sometimes I think she is right in her decision every one has a choice to choose the best and who am I some one with a empty pocket unpleasant face a guy with a spoiled carrier a looser what do I have I to give to her nothing but love but you cant live with love. Leave it at least she is happy what else do I want but I do wished to talk to her just once, alone but like most of my dreams It also shares the same fate. It’s not her fault she tolerated me for years but I still get soaked with tears when I see her brown eyes in my dreams. Now I don’t even get dreams may be they are tired of being hurt so they never come to me. I don’t know what fate has in store for me but I will never marry any one I cant ruin any one’s life just for my sake cause I know I wont be able to love her the way I love her. Now just stare into the deep dark sky and look at the stars and tell them they are nothing as compared to her.
And please to all who read this story she is not the cause of my state and I hate those who call her any type of rubbish stuff.
Ash (name changed) if you ever read this I would like to tell you that after today respect you more than I love you. I do not know how I am going to survive without you but I will try my best no one can take your place in my life. I would always remember you as my first love and the most pleasant experience of my life you could have broken my heart for ever but never did it you are a true human being and one who as the ability to help other’s I will miss you all my life and believe me you will always find a place in prayers and I will pray to god that may you find the warmth of love of the person you love. There is one more request I want to make if you have a little space left In your heart just let me be there I will remain there silently for ever.
And in most likely case if she never gets to read this story please whosoever gets to read it please if you ever meet her again do tell her that I will regret all the things that I did in my life due to which I lost her she is very good ,I am bad and I will regret all my life the way I lost her silently please if you do this I’ll be more than great full to you.
Siddharth (Not yours)
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